Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
