At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Sorry my hands just texted you
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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