Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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