I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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