Are you guys doing anything tonight?
Krysta
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
