so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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