Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
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