He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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