It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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