Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
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