is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
