I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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