States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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