I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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