god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Where are you?
In a non slutty way
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
