she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
my being single is dangerous.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
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