She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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