My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
