Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
