Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
