I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
