You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Randomize
