is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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