The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
