I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
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