My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
