my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Randomize
