Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Randomize
