Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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