you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
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