Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
