So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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