Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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