I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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