I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
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