I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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