The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
