once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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