Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
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