I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
