I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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