I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
