: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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