Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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