I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
