i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
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