I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Randomize
