New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
