I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
