You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
