I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Randomize
